| Dear Lanae,
Few things can tear at our hearts more than hearing our kids say, “I’m stupid.” At first glance the following parent seems to be right on track:
No, you are not stupid! Think of all the things you are good at. How about reading? You’re good at that! And remember how much you improved in baseball last summer. Stupid kids don’t learn how to hit curve balls like you did. And your art is wonderful. If you were dumb, would you have been able to learn how to create those drawings with such wonderful three-dimensional perspectives? I don’t think so!
At second glance, we realize that this well-meaning parent is lending credibility to their child’s remark by spending so much time and energy addressing it.
Listed below are other tactics that have created selfish kids rather than ones with a good sense of self:
- Constant praise
- Ensuring that they are always the center of attention
- Making sure that they never encounter any hardships
- Buying them everything they want
- Rescuing them from the consequences of their misbehavior
- Setting no limits so that they can “express their creativity”
Instead of using these tactics, consider employing a much simpler approach, one that avoids unintentionally reinforcing your youngster’s self-deprecating remarks. The most effective parents smile, pat their child on the back, and give this sweet and simple response:
Aren’t you glad I don’t believe that!
For truly improving self-concept, there’s only one approach that really works in the long term, and it’s based on the age-old truism:
The best way to feel good is to do something good.
When parents place a high emphasis on good and respectful behavior, children look at themselves and think, “I act pretty darn good and responsible. I must be pretty darn good and responsible.”
True self-concept is developed when children encounter struggles, are taught how to overcome those struggles, and see themselves acting in respectful and responsible ways. Stated quite simply, self-concept is an inside job.
Shaping Self-Concept, one of our most popular audios, teaches a very special type of love. It’s the type that allows our kids to struggle, lets them work through their trials, and guides them toward independence instead of insecurity.
Self-concept is also important for empowering your kids to handle teasing and bullying, which is the topic we'll be sharing tips about in next week's free virtual event, When Your Child Is Teased or Bullied. |
