| Dear Lanae,
One of the goals of Love and Logic is to teach kids how the real world works. This includes helping kids handle life’s conflicts by giving them the skills they will need to turn disagreements into win-win solutions.
Conflicts are part of life. People who understand this, and who know how to maintain relationships in the face of friction, usually enjoy a lifetime of happiness. Those who lack these skills often struggle through a life filled with broken relationships.
The following tips will help you give your kids the skills they need to enjoy a life full of healthy relationships.
Tip #1: Remember that children learn the most about relationships by observing how we handle ours.
What we do in front of our kids is far more powerful than lectures. Children are incredibly sensitive to unspoken tension and can suffer great anxiety when their parents try to hide conflicts that need to be addressed. How parents handle conflicts is typically how their children will handle conflicts in their friendships and future marriages.
Tip #2: Don’t make the mistake of trying to create a conflict-free family.
There is no doubt that kids suffer tremendously when they see their parents yell, argue, and fight. It’s never helpful for children to witness this type of behavior. On the other hand, it’s unhealthy for kids to see their parents stuff their emotions and try to pretend that nothing is wrong. This sends the unhealthy message that problems are to be avoided rather than solved.
Tip #3: Have some healthy disagreements or conflicts in front of your kids.
Children need to see their parents disagreeing, expressing their emotions in assertive ways, and tackling conflicts head-on. It’s healthy for kids to hear parents say things like, “It makes me mad when I try to use the car and it has no gas” or, “It’s frustrating to me when it doesn’t seem like you are listening to me.”
Tip #4: Use the lingo of problem-solving and compromise.
When parents are handling conflicts, children need to hear them saying things like:
- “How can we solve this problem?”
- “Tell me more.”
- “Let’s compromise.”
- “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.”
- “Here are some possible solutions.”
Tip #5: Use common sense about what you discuss in front of your kids.
Although it is healthy for kids to witness us resolving day-to-day disputes, there are some issues or topics that are not appropriate for their ears. Wise parents discuss very sensitive topics privately so that their children cannot hear them.
When parents follow these tips and kids are allowed to hear their parents resolve disputes, kids can learn how to resolve conflicts in their own relationships. In our audio, The Gift of Limits: Why Kids Who Have Them Feel Safer and More Loved, you can find more ideas for helping kids learn to be ready for the real world.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
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