| Dear Lanae,
What is grit?
A person with grit has the resilience and perseverance to face and overcome life’s challenges and difficulties. It is something learned primarily through experience. Just over 80 years ago, Winston Churchill famously described this characteristic in a speech, as follows: “Never give in, never give in, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense.”
One of the goals of Love and Logic is to help parents raise children who grow into responsible adults capable of managing life’s challenges. We believe that parenting style is a powerful influence in developing, or not developing, resilience and perseverance in children. Love and Logic contrasts two very common parenting styles—Helicopter Parents and Drill Sergeant Parents. Both parenting styles steal the opportunity for kids to develop grit through experience.
Helicopter Parents steal this experience from their kids by protecting them from struggling with problems. Drill Sergeant Parents also steal this experience through sending the message that their kids can’t think and do for themselves, so the parent must do this for them.
In contrast to these grit-stealing styles, Love and Logic teaches the consulting approach to parenting. Consultant Parents allow kids to learn perseverance through experience. These parents know that experience and consequences do the best teaching, even though kids will be challenged in the short term.
True achievement comes through struggle and perseverance, which is the key to building grit. There is no doubt that kids who develop grit through experience will lead to happier and more productive lives than those who don’t. Listed below are few examples of “grit stealers” with corresponding “grit builders.”
Grit Stealer: Micromanage or rescue your kids.
Grit Builder: Allow your kids to make affordable mistakes and live with the consequences.
Grit Stealer: Constantly tell them that they are bright, gifted, or exceptionally talented.
Grit Builder: Celebrate effort, hard work, and perseverance in an appropriate manner.
Grit Stealer: Immediately gratify their desires.
Grit Builder: Let them wait for what they want.
Grit Stealer: Talk badly about yourself.
Grit Builder: Show your kids that you maintain a positive attitude when you make mistakes.
Grit Stealer: Model perfectionism.
Grit Builder: Let them see you make mistakes.
Grit Stealer: Try to always keep them happy. Give them the impression that life should never be upsetting or stressful.
Grit Builder: Allow them to experience a natural and full range of normal emotions. Show that you care by expressing empathy.
Teaching perseverance and resilience doesn’t have to be complicated. It simply requires a willingness to allow kids to experience healthy challenges as they grow. It also requires that we help them know that they have what it takes to cope with life’s challenges.
Ready to build grit? Get started with our audio, Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants, for more insight into guiding kids to grow up to be responsible, effective adults.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay and Jim Fay
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