| Dear Lanae,
The happiest and most secure kids have something in common—they have adults in their lives who provide and enforce loving limits. Kids tend to test the very limits they want the most because limits mean love, and limits mean feelings of safety. Unfortunately, many parents set limits that are unenforceable.
We must recognize that we can’t control the actions of others, including our kids. When it comes to setting limits, it’s important to keep this in mind so that we don’t fall into the trap of issuing threats instead of setting real limits. Enforceable limits are based on what we know we can do—threats involve what we wish we could do or control.
Love and Logic teaches us the following principles about setting effective, enforceable limits:
Never tell a stubborn child what to do.
Describe what you are willing to do or allow instead.
Enforceable limits are an essential part of the Love and Logic approach. Here are the three basic rules for setting limits with Love and Logic:
1. Treat them with great respect so that they can see how to treat you.
2. Describe what you are willing to do or allow without telling kids what to do.
3. Follow through with empathy and actions, rather than anger, lectures, threats, or repeated warnings.
Here are some examples of enforceable versus unenforceable limits:
Unenforceable: Don’t shout at me!
Enforceable: I listen to people who don’t yell.
Unenforceable: Pick up your toys!
Enforceable: Feel free to keep the toys that you pick up.
In our new audio, The Gift of Limits: Why Kids Who Have Them Feel Safer and More Loved, you will hear practical tips on how to use these three rules to set effective limits with your kids and learn more about how to set enforceable limits.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay |
