| Dear Lanae,
Most parents who use Love and Logic find that not only are the techniques effective, they also are pleasantly surprised to see the relationships with their kids improve, resulting in respectful, responsible, and resilient families. However, occasionally we get calls from parents who are trying to use Love and Logic’s techniques, but things don’t seem to work for them.
We have learned that there are two broad issues that can cause this challenge. The first possibility is that Love and Logic techniques are not being implemented properly. The second possibility is that brain health issues are an impediment. We believe that ensuring both issues are properly addressed can significantly improve chances for succeeding with Love and Logic.
Implementing Love and Logic Properly
There are four common obstacles that can thwart Love and Logic’s goal of raising responsible, respectful kids who make good decisions.
First, are you displaying anger or frustration? This is the most common reason that Love and Logic techniques appear not to work. The right words might be used by the parent with the best intentions, but nonverbal cues will communicate anger and frustration to the child, and these cues speak louder than words. Empathy must be delivered first, with sincerity, and without any hint of anger or frustration.
Second, are you giving too many warnings before consequences, or lecturing too much afterward? When adults use too many words and resort to lecturing and issuing warnings, they cause the child to shut down and stop paying attention to the message.
Third, are you using the appropriate Love and Logic technique for the specific situation? Sometimes uncertainty and confusion stem from a parent picking a Love and Logic technique without thoroughly understanding Love and Logic principles and how the techniques are to be used.
Fourth, are you applying too many techniques too quickly? Going too fast often backfires for two reasons. First, if the techniques are not learned properly, kids can become confused. Second, too many techniques at once can overwhelm kids. It’s best to go slow, apply one or two techniques at a time, and focus on one behavior at a time—preferably easier problems first.
Addressing Brain-Health Issues
Even if parents are using Love and Logic techniques properly, brain health issues can create obstacles that parenting techniques alone cannot surmount. Over the past few years, psychiatric issues and learning disorders have been increasing in kids from very young up to 17 years of age. These include anxiety, depression, and conditions such as eating disorders, ADHD, and PTSD. All these issues, if not treated, can hamper efforts by parents to raise kids who are healthy, responsible, and successful in life.
There are four primary influences on our mental health. These are biological, psychological, social, and spiritual factors. Problems in these areas can contribute behavioral issues, learning disorders, and psychiatric illnesses.
Biological factors include anything, such as blood sugar levels, which can compromise proper brain functioning. Psychological factors, such as trauma or a child’s sense of self-worth, can have a critical effect on brain function. Social stresses, which can affect a child’s need for love and a sense of belonging, will increase the risk of brain/mental health problems. Finally, spirituality in the form of a child’s connection with family, community, and the universe is very important. In the absence of this sense of connection, a child can be more prone to depression, addiction, and other psychological issues, with a negative effect on brain health.
How can we tell where the problems lie and when to seek professional help? If kids struggle with behaviors, feelings, attitudes, or thoughts that hamper their ability to succeed in school or at home, and if brain-healthy habits and Love and Love techniques are not working, then it is time to seek professional help.
You can find more information on how to use Love and Logic techniques, as well as the critical importance of understanding brain health for raising kids, in the new book, Raising Mentally Strong Kids.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
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