| Dear Lanae,
Parents and teachers sometimes call us out of desperation just after their kids have responded with defiance to well-intentioned Love and Logic techniques. Nothing seems to be working and the kids seem to have mastered the art of defiance.
What can you do when you encounter defiance? For example, have you ever heard this from your child at home or a student in your class?
“I’m not doing that! You can’t make me!”
Success in this situation rests entirely on resisting the urge to rely on power and coercion to force kids to do what we want. Listed below are some tips that can help you handle defiance:
- Sidestep the power-struggle by delaying the consequence. It’s okay to let children think they’ve gotten away with something in the short-term—especially if handling it later will buy you time so that you can do a more effective job.
- Calmly say, “No problem. I love you (or respect you) too much to argue with you about this. I’ll take care of it.” This is perhaps the most challenging part—saying this in a truly calm and empathetic voice even though you feel the urge to raise your voice and issue ultimatums instead!
- Put together a workable plan. Get some help from other adults if you need their ideas or support.
- Allow empathy and logical consequences to do the teaching.
One mother described to us how she handled her teenager’s refusal to do chores:
“My teenager refused to do the simple household chores I had asked her to do. Instead of arguing with her, I simply told her that I loved her too much to argue and that I would take care of them. I hired a professional housekeeping service to do it for her. Then I taped the bill to her bedroom door. She refused to pay the bill, so I had another chance to say, ‘I love you too much to argue with you about this. I’ll take care of it.’ Later that week when she wanted to go shopping for the new outfit that she had requested a while ago, I calmly said to her, ‘This is so sad. I had to use that money to pay the housekeeping service.’”
This mother understood that sometimes we must allow kids to be upset in the short-term so that they can learn to lead happy and responsible lives in the long-term. She also understood how to deliver the message—calmly and with a healthy dose of empathy.
In my webinar, Success with Strong-willed, Stubborn, or Downright Defiant Kids, I share plenty of additional skills for helping parents and educators stay out of unwinnable power-struggles.
Also, don’t miss our special free online event next week, When Nothing Seems to Be Working. Dr. Daniel G. Amen and I will provide more insights into handling seemingly impossible situations with kids.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Charles Fay, Ph.D. |
