| Dear Lanae,
A significant number of our calls come from stepparents who have questions about how to parent. There are many circumstances that can lead to stepfamilies, but they all have similar challenges. To help stepparents address these challenges, we are pleased to announce that we are bringing back my eBook, Stepparenting: Keeping it Sane!.
To get a handle on what successful stepparents do, it's helpful first to get a glimpse at what less successful ones try. I call the first well-intentioned, yet doomed approach, the "Wrecking Ball" stepparenting style. These folks take on the role of demolition expert in the family. They storm in with a crash, trying to rebuild every aspect of the kids' behavior. Like drill sergeants, their favorite tools include lectures, threats, lots of new rules, and plenty of micromanaging.
I call the second well-intentioned, yet ineffective approach, the "Refugee" stepparent style. Because they don't want to step on any toes, these folks never really live in the home. Instead, they set up camp in the backyard. Peeking out of their tent screen, they watch the kids throw their daily refuse onto the lawn in front of them. Because they don't want to insult the kids by trying to replace their "real" parent, these stepparents use no tools. They simply walk on eggshells, adopting an outsider, doormat role.
Successful stepparents obsessively follow the first rule of Love and Logic:
Take good care of yourself by setting limits without anger, lectures, threats, or repeated warnings.
Instead of using strict discipline to remodel their kids’ behavior, or avoiding stepparenting challenges by remaining an outsider, they proactively use Enforceable Statements to describe how they will operate. Examples include:
- I'll listen when your voice is calm.
- I'll be happy to do the extra things I do for you when I feel respected.
- I'll get that for you when I see that you've finished your chores.
- I argue at six o'clock on Saturday mornings.
- I'll let you know about that after I talk with your dad (or mom).
- I'm fine with you having that if you have the money to pay for it.
More tips to help you enjoy life-long, positive relationships with your stepchildren, while maintaining the joy in your marriage, can be found in my book, Steppparenting: Keeping it Sane!.
Last August, Dr. Daniel Amen and I started our new FREE Online series. I am excited to announce the next topic in the series, Healthy Brains, Raising Brain-Healthy Kids, which will be held on November 3, 2022.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay |
