| Dear Lanae,
Over the years, Love and Logic has successfully helped thousands of parents develop and nurture authentic connections with their kids. When implemented properly, Love and Logic allows parents to create an environment where kids can thrive emotionally, socially, and academically.
However, sometimes customers call us when their efforts using Love and Logic are not working with their kids. Based on feedback from these customers, we learned that there are several obstacles that can thwart Love and Logic’s goal of raising responsible, respectful kids who make good decisions. Here are some of those obstacles.
How the Parent Communicates with the Child.
Are you displaying anger or frustration? This is the most common reason that Love and Logic techniques appear not to work. The right words might be used by the parent with the best intentions, but nonverbal cues will communicate anger and frustration to the child, and these cues speak louder than words. The power of nonverbal cues cannot be underestimated—they completely undermine the intended message. Empathy must be delivered first, with sincerity, and without any hint of anger or frustration.
Warnings and Lectures.
Are you giving too many warnings before consequences, or lecturing too much afterward? When adults use too many words and resort to lecturing and issuing warnings, they cause the child to shut down and stop paying attention to the message. Using fewer words and more enforceable statements, delivered with empathy, is much more effective than lectures or unenforceable warnings.
Selecting the Right Technique.
Love and Logic’s techniques are designed for specific circumstances. Understanding how and when to use them is the key to success. Sometimes uncertainty stems from a parent picking a Love and Logic technique without thoroughly understanding Love and Logic principles and how the techniques are to be used. It’s also important to avoid using too many words when implementing these techniques.
Going Too Fast.
Many parents new to Love and Logic are eager to apply as many of the techniques as possible—as quickly as possible. This often backfires for two reasons. First, if the techniques are not learned properly, kids can become confused. Second, too many techniques at once can overwhelm kids. It’s best to go slow, apply one or two techniques at a time, and focus on one behavior at a time—preferably easier problems first.
There are two other factors to keep in mind. First, sometimes kids act out because their little neurons are still developing. This is normal. Second, does the child, or do we as parents, need professional help? If there are deeper problems driving the misbehavior, it’s likely that few things will really help until these issues are addressed.
There is still time to sign up for tomorrow's free online event, When Nothing Seems to Be Working. Dr. Daniel Amen and I will address other reasons why parenting techniques might not be working, such as mental health issues and learning disorders.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Charles Fay, Ph.D. |
