| Dear Lanae,
According to recent U.S. census data, over 7 million American grandparents live with grandchildren under 18 years old. Over 2 million grandparents are entirely responsible for their grandchildren. We see these numbers reflected in calls that we receive from grandparents, who are involved in some way with raising their grandkids, and they ask how the principles and techniques of Love and Logic can help them.
Some grandparents who call have had previous experience with Love and Logic, but many are new to our approach. We have found that grandparents can benefit from Love and Logic and help them build healthy relationships with their grandkids while setting firm, loving limits that can turn problem behaviors around.
Many grandparents, just like many parents, tend to be helicopter grandparents. They are eager to swoop in to rescue their grandchildren. This behavior is ultimately based on their love, but rescuing, by parents or grandparents, is not always beneficial in the long run for kids.
Children face many problems in today’s world, including getting to school on time, being hassled by other kids, keeping their grades up, feeling lazy, making poor choices of friends, and learning how to use technology safely, just to name a few. These problems often involve conflicts between the child and others, or between the child and herself or himself. They are also very tempting situations for rescuing by a loving grandparent.
Grandparents who intervene or rescue with these sorts of problems often think that they are showing their love for the grandchild. However, it is important to understand that when we fix things for our kids, they cannot learn how to fix things on their own. We believe that most of the time children can find their own solutions. If there is a good chance that children can solve their own problems, we should let them.
When a grandchild is facing a difficult situation, the grandparent can apply the principles of Love and Logic and help by handing the problem to the grandchild using the following five steps:
- Show empathy to the grandchild.
- Imply that the grandchild is smart enough to find a solution to the problem by asking “How do you think you’re going to handle this”?
- Ask permission to share alternatives.
- Help the grandchild look at the consequences of the alternatives.
- Let the grandchild decide to solve or not to solve the problem.
Grandparents can find more helpful tips in Jim Fay’s book, How to Discipline Kids Without Losing Their Love and Respect, which has helped many adults learn how to discipline kids effectively—without losing their love or respect.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
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