| Dear Lanae,
Parents desperately try to control their children’s behaviors by using commands, threats, and warnings. Over the years, I have seen many parents issue repeated threats and warnings, with the inevitable result that their kids simply ignore them and continue misbehaving.
It’s easy and convenient to threaten in the hopes that it will work. Occasionally it works in the short term. However, this is much like playing a slot machine. With an occasional payoff, we are tempted to continue to play the game. Unfortunately, we all know that the slot machine usually wins in the long run. And kids usually learn to ignore hollow threats.
Unfortunately, kids who are conditioned to ignore threats and warnings from their parents as they grow up will eventually lose in the long run. They become conditioned to require more and larger threats in all areas of their lives.
Parents who use warnings and threats soon wonder why their kids ignore their teachers and others in their lives. Kids who ignore the advice of teachers soon fall behind in school. But why should they listen to them or others? They don’t have to listen to their parents.
What a shock it must be for kids who grow up like this to discover that their bosses don’t give a lot of reminders and warnings. How unfair this must feel to young adults. I’ve seen many young adults lose their jobs. They view their employers as totally unfair and complain that they weren’t warned about the impending loss of the job.
Do your kids a favor. Tell them what you expect just once. If they don’t respond or remember, allow a reasonable consequence to follow. When they complain, simply say, with genuine empathy, “Not to worry, I’m sure your listening will get better.” Parents who run their home this way will get many rewards in the future, and their kids will benefit in the long run.
Learn how to teach your kids to behave responsibly—without threats and warnings—by listening to our audio, Four Steps to Responsibility: Techniques to Responsible Decision Making.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
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