| Dear Lanae,
Recently a parent called us in exasperation. Every interaction with her child ended in arguing, defiance, and disaster. Even though she was trying to do her best for her child, everything she did was ineffective.
How often are caring, effective parents required to make decisions unpopular with their kids? Which of the following do you feel rings truest?
a. Never
b. Once a month
c. About once a week
d. Every day
Some of us are blessed with easy-going children. Although some people deny the existence of such youngsters, they really do walk the earth. With these win-win personality types, our parental popularity polls often look fine.
Our approval rates often hit the skids, however, when we find ourselves blessed with the strong-willed variety. When parenting at least one of these tigers, it often feels like the limits we set are creating one hissy fit after another.
By the way, “hissy fits” take a variety of creative forms, including huffing, eye rolling, arguing, laying guilt trips, slamming doors, refusing to listen, etc. Is it possible that this type of behavior shows that we are on the right track?
When we do the right thing with challenging people, it almost always feels like the wrong thing in the short term.
It’s often much easier to give in and appease challenging kids. It’s not a good long-term strategy, but it does give us the illusion of well-being. Parents committed to the Love and Logic approach prefer tackling reality head on:
- They understand that great moms and dads must often do the unpopular thing.
- They know strong-willed children will dominate—and self-destruct—without loving boundaries.
- They remind themselves that childhood is a far better time to learn about limits and consequences than adulthood.
- They resist feelings of discouragement by remembering that they are making investments that will eventually yield multi-generational rewards.
If you are parenting a strong-willed, exceptionally challenging child, take heart. At times, the battle for their hearts, souls, and minds can seem impossibly fierce. But you can do this, as long as you remember the following:
Success in parenting is not determined by how many skirmishes you win, but by the consistent durability of the love and healthy limits you provide.
If you are like the parent who called us recently, you might consider trying our webinar, Success with Strong-Willed, Stubborn or Downright Defiant Kids. It has helped many parents learn how to break the endless cycles of arguing and defiance.
Thanks for reading!
If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
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