| How many young people live with constant feelings of inferiority and discontent because their self-perceptions don’t match the ideals presented in various forms of social media? How many reach young adulthood extremely anxious about their ability to cope?
“I’m a loser in real life! The only time I’m not is when I’m on-line.”
As they grapple with the already-challenging task of understanding themselves in relation to the world, this dangerous theme pervades the lives of far too many children, teens, and young adults. When true identity battles with social-media identity for emotional territory, kids can suffer painful conflict and develop understandable escape behaviors.
Many kids will dive deep into the murky waters of internet and video game overuse because they feel calmer, stronger, and more accepted in cyberspace than in their true relational world. The seeds of addiction are sown. Full-blown dependency looms just around the corner.
Taking away their devices addresses just the tip of the iceberg. Although it’s sometimes necessary to do this, it only scratches the surface. Helping them develop a healthy self-concept addresses the larger issue below the water line.
Denial in epic proportions
One might argue that most parents in America are in denial over the impact of technology overuse and its effects on their children’s identities. Teaching me to drive, both of my parents gave great advice: “Always assume someone is in your blind spot.” Applying this to parenting, it’s probably wise to assume that most us have a “blind spot” when it comes to technology and our kids.
Helicopters and Drill Sergeants develop dependency
Chronic helicopter parenting creates insecure kids who doubt their ability to make good decisions and succeed in the real world—so does clinging to the drill sergeant model. Both styles are the enemy of healthy identity development and can create damaging anxiety and despair.
Consultants empower strength
Consultant parents empower their kids to make decisions, live with the consequences, and see that they are capable of coping with the real world. This style also preserves healthy parent-child relationships. Coping skills plus relationships serve as antidotes for depression and dependency.
We can’t control others
At the heart of consultant parenting is the awareness that we can only increase the odds of healthy identity development. We cannot ensure it. Sometimes highly ineffective parents end up with strong kids—and highly competent parents can end up with kids who have big problems. What Love and Logic does guarantee is that we can face life knowing we’ve done our best.
Our Teens and Technology audio title contains additional insights into how consultant parents can help their kids develop a stronger true identity and avoid the social-media trap.
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Dr. Charles Fay |
